Bittersweet

What would it take for me to drop this completely? It's been more than a year already for crying out loud! More than a year of telling myself to move on; that it was never meant to last anyway; that I'm better off like this. And indeed I am better off. Better off in that I now know I have a choice: linger over you, or break free. I have a choice, and I have chosen. All I have to do now is act, completely and definitively. God only knows when that will be.

I still go over the events that happened during those brief encounters we had during 2 of the best years of my life, culminating in the things that occurred during the 3 months of sheer bliss I experienced, the many months spent agonizing over what happened next, as well as the current situation I find myself in: of trying to forget. No, I never want to forget. Maybe "forgive" might be the right word, yet I can't find it in myself to totally blame you for everything.

However, that would be hypocritical of me. After all, you provided more excitement and wonder than I ever remember experiencing throughout the first 16 years of my life. And I do remember thanking you for all of that. I truly do thank you. Without you, I wouldn't have known I was capable of such acts, of such devotion, of such love. I would never have discovered my ability to charm you, found such wells of patience from which to draw from whenever you were feeling angry or sulking with me. Never would I have known that I could hold someone in such a treasured place within my heart.

But none of that was enough for you was it? Oh no, you just had to have more. I already knew it couldn't last. How could it? We were two girls, which despite how right it felt, are apparently not meant to be together. I expected, more like hoped, that it would last until we graduated high school. But it all went downhill way sooner than that. I should have known the instant you told me about your tendency to stray, should have realized that meant you would never stay with me, should have started letting go even then. But I was dumb; in love…I believed every line of sweet reassurances that came from your honeyed lips.

It hurt so badly when you turned away from me. We were drifting apart even then, but I had no idea you had left me already. I naively thought that I could bring you back to me, keep us together for awhile longer. All it took for the cold hard fact to sink in was that simple act of you turning away from me. That little twist of your head felt like a dagger twisting in my heart. But I doubt you knew then or now the pain you caused me. I don't think you realize what you've done to me. You definitely didn't show any sign that you saw my pain. Or maybe I relapsed back into my old self, the one who never showed anyone my emotions. Loving you brought me out of my shell, losing you made me build a higher wall.  

They say that if you truly love something, you should let it go. And if it comes back, then you know it's true. If it doesn't, then it's better that you didn't stay together and prolong the pain. I've let you go already, but you're never coming back are you?